Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
