Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
