Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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