dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
