So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Randomize
