I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.