She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.