PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
