Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
