Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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