This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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