I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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