I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she told me i tasted like america
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
