If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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