the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
