I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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