After last night, I could never be a politician.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
