Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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