My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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