A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
