and i looked up. we had an audience...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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