He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
