and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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