I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
