Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
