EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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