Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
