We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
