Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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