I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
