Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
