all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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