Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This is my gift to your gina
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???