It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
