i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
