Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
