What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
