So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
