I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
