you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
