am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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