I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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