I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
