Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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