Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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