That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
the day after is always just damage control
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
