We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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