Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
