My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
