How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
