All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
