Say something about gay babies.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
