Nicole vs. Life
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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