I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
