the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
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Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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