I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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