I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We had to coat check the pizza.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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