I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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