Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee