dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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