my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
