The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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