just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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