I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
